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Pinoy Jokes

07 March 2016

No license needed for seniors

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge right into his front yard.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.”
“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver’s license anymore.”
“You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?”
“That’s right... The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him ‘yes’, and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore.’ So I thanked him and left!”

Is My Time Up?

A 71 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 25 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 25 years to live. Why didn’t you pull me away from the path of the ambulance?”
God replied: “I didn't recognize you!”

On patch

Two guys get pulled over by traffic police while drinking and driving.
The driver tells his friend: “Peel the labels off these beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Now hide all the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking.”
The policeman walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. “Have you been drinking?” he asks.
“We haven't have a drink tonight.”
“Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?”
“We’re both alcoholics,” says the drunk. “We’re on the patch.”

Obviously, the patch for alcoholics, similar to the ones  for smokers, has not yet been invented. The driver went straight to jail.
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