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14 April 2016

Onli in da Pilipins:
• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

Mahigpit
Guard: Sir, ID po ninyo?
Dodong: Eto, oh!
Guard: I-pin po ninyo.
Dodong: Sobra naman kayong mahigpit dito. Pati ipin, ini-inspeksyon.


Man machine
An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, “What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said; “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Nude hanging
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.
When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, “My God, you have the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.”
Came the whispered reply, “It’s all yours if you keep your trap shut.”

Unfamiliar
Saturday morning the weather was too bad for golf. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
“Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
So I said, “Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Beats the hell out of me. Nobody’s ever let me in before.”

Provoked
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, “come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”  He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a**hole.”  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Shirley (my wife) called him a “s*it head.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.  He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Trump stickers.  We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.  Its so important at our age!

Wise sayings
Confucius says:
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
-o-
 Confucius says:
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
-o-
Confucius says:
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
-o-
Confucius says:
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out.... you lose interest.
-o-
Confucius says:
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
-o-
Confucius says:
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
-o-
Confucius says:
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don’t get it.

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