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Showing posts with label Pinoy Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pinoy Jokes. Show all posts

Stripped down

Posted on 09 November 2016 No comments
I got my concealed gun permit  and wet over to the gun shop to get a small pistol for home protection

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets,t he cashier said: “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the manager later, I did just as she instructed.

When the hysterial shrieking finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

Ang mga hugot

Posted on 08 November 2016 No comments
Matuto kang magpahalaga sa taong nagpapakatanga sa iyo. Tandaan mo, bilang na lang ang mga taong seryoso at hindi lahat iyon, ikaw ang gusto.
-o-
Na TRAIN TO BUSAN ka na ba?
Yung TRAINaTO ka lang niyang kaibigan, pero ikaw, minahal mo siya nang luBUSAN?
-o-
Minsan kung kailan ka lumalaban saka ka naman nasasaktan, kung kailan ka natututong magmahal saka ka iniiwan. Kung kailan ka nagseseryoso saka ka niloloko.
Saan ka ba lulugar? Doon sa mali na masaya ka o sa tama na lumuluha ka?
-o-
Tandaan mo, hindi mo na kailangang magpa-impress, magpapansin, magpaganda o magpacute. Kasi kung mahal ka talaga niya kahit wala kang gawin, ikaw pa rin ang pinaka magandang babae sa buhay niya
-o-
May papel ka nga sa buhay niya, scratch paper nga lang.
-o-
Minahal kita ng Pak na Pak. Tapos iiwan mo'ko ng Ganern Ganern lang?
-o-
And finally...
Alam mo yung feeling na sabay tayong nahulog? Ako sa iyo at ikaw naman sa kanal? Hahaha akala mo hugot na naman!

Old wisdom

Posted on 25 October 2016 No comments
Mga kasabihan ni Lola:
Hindi lahat ng party masaya.
Ang 3rd party ba masaya?
Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas.
Ang 13th month pay ba aymalas?
Hindi lahat ng positive ay masaya. Ang HIV positive ba ay masaya?
Hindi lahat ng hinog ay masustansiya.
Ang pigsa ba masustansiya?

Question and Answer

Posted on 24 October 2016 No comments
Question: Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang twag sa kumakain ng tao?
Answer: Humanitarian
Question: Ano naman ang plural ng rice?
Answer: Extra rice.
Question: Ano ang masarap sa mga bading, itlog ng pugo o itlog ng bibe?
Answer: Itlog ng pogi.
Shorts
Seen: A sign at a karinderia saying:
Mahigpit pong ipinagbabawal ngayon ang mangutang. Natuklasan pong kumakalat na sakit na… Amnesia.
-o-
Question: Where in the Bible that says all men must make coffee for their women?
Answer: The Book of Hebrews.


Ano nga ba ‘yon?

Posted on 21 October 2016 No comments
Isang bagong saltang Pinoy ang naghanap ng manok sa isang US supermarket.
Paikot-ikot siya pero hindi niya makita ito.
Dahil nakalimutan niyang sabihin ang manok sa English, kumuha siya ng isang itlog at tinanong ang casher: “Where mother?”
Ang sagot ng cashier, na Pinay pala: “No more mother! You like father?” Sabay turo sa chicken sausages.


Definitions of having sex

Posted on 18 October 2016 No comments
When three people have sex, it’s called a threesome.
When two people have sex, it’s called a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome.


Ang regalo ni misis

Posted on 17 October 2016 No comments
Napansin ni Edong ang kaibigang si Noel na malungkot habang nag-iisang kumakain sa karinderya ni Aling Uping.

Edong: Malungkot ka yata.

Noel: Hindi ko kasi maintindihan ang mga babae.

Edong: Bakit, ano’ng nangyari?
\
Noel: Kagabi kasi, sinabi ng asawa ko na dahil birthday ko, maari daw gawin ko sa kanya ang anumang gusto ko. Ayun, Pinatulog ko muna sa nanay niya. Ngayon ayaw niya akong kausapin.

Pinoy Jokes

Posted on 16 September 2016 No comments
Hindi niya type
Si Lisa ay nagdadalawang-isip kung matitipuhan niya ang kanyang ka-blind date.
Kaya naman naghanda siya ng gimik, upang kapag pangit ang lalaking makikilala niya ay hindi na siya mag-aksaya pa ng oras. Nag-schedule siya na mag-ring ang telepono niya sa takdang oras, kunwari ay sasagutin niya at ipaparinig sa ka-date: “’Nay, anong nangyari sa iyo? Okay ka ba?”
Puwede nang gawing excuse iyan upang humahangos na iwanan ang kanyang ka-date.
Kinagabihan, nagkita ng nga ang magka-blind date.
Wala pang isang oras, tumunog ang telepono ng ka-blind date  ni Lisa. Agad itong sumagot: “’Nay, anong nangyari sa iyo? Okay ka ba?”
At humahangos na nagpaaalam sa kanya.

Shorts
Nag-away ang magt-asawa. Tumawag si misis sa nanay noya. “’Nay, uuwi ako diyan. Nag-away na naman kami ng asawa ko,” ika niya.
Nagalit Si Nanay: Hayaan mong pagbayaran niya ang kamalian niya. Lilipat ako diyan!”
-o-
Nag-iwan ng sulat ang tooth fairy kay bunso:
Dumaan ako diyan kagabi para kunin ang ngipin mo. Pero hindi ko nagawang pumasok dahil makalat ang kuwarto mo. Babalik ako bukas ng gabi, para kunin ang ngipin mo. Pero dapat malinis na ang kuwarto mo.”
Naging malinis nga ang kuwarto  ni bunso na hindi inuutusan ng ina niya.
-o-
Nag-imbita si Sendong sa BFF niya, via text: Daan ka dito may bisita ako mamaya na walang gagawin kundi magbasa ng kanilang FB.
-o-
Lasing #1: Naglalaro ka ba ng mapanganib na sport?
Lasing #2: Oo. Minsan nagkikipag-away ako sa asawa ko.
-o-
The relationship between husband and wife is  psychological.
One is psycho,  the other is logical.
-o-
Forget Pokemon Go. If you want to chase down little monsters all day, stay at home with the kids.
-o-
Kanta ni bunso kay yaya:
Every snack you make,
Every meal you bake,
Every bite you take,
I’ll be watching you!

Padala
Feeling romantic si misis kaya nagpadala ng text sa asawa niya:
“Kung natutulog ka, padalhan mo ako ng kapiraso mong panaginip.
“Kung tumatawa ka, padalhan mo ako ng iyong ngiti.
“Kung umiiyak ka, padalhan mo ako ng iyong luha.
“Lab na lab kita.”
Sumagot si Mister: “Nasa kubeta ako. Ano gusto mo mula dito?”

Wong sound 
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
“Nurse,” he mumbles. “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them Sir.”
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. ‘Are-my-test-re-sults-back?’.”

Pinoy Jokes

Posted on 30 July 2016 No comments
Pokemon jokes

Lady on why she is still single: I‘m 25 and I prefer to search Pokémon instead of true love.
-o-
A man wearing a Pikachu hat got arrested for jumping the White House fence. He claimed there was a Bolbasaur.

Quickies
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos.."*poof!*. He disappears without a tres.
-o-
Question: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
Answer: A condescending con descending.
-o-
Question: Where did Noah keep his bees?
Answer: In the Ark hives.
-o-
Question: Pwede bang mag softdrink kapag coffee break?
-o-
Marriage is a workshop. The husband works and the wife shops.
-o-
Dance like no one is watching. Because they’re not; they’re checking their phones.
-o-
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, “Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”
“Aww, darn!” says his friend, “and I just joined Rotary!”

Grown up
A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use 'Big People’s words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Miguel what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That's WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”

Elementary
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitch a tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and saya:"Watson, look up the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asks: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replies: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth, there might also be life."
Holmes answers: "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

Oldies’ fun

Posted on 30 June 2016 No comments
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing,” I said.
Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got  home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She telephoned  me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week.”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

The laws
1 . Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers. If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law. If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the  Bath. When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena . At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers. If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces. The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument. Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance. If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking . A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy. As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law. If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Shorties

Posted on 19 June 2016 No comments
Pilipino can be more meaningful than English. Just one example:
English: Don’t be shy. Feel at home.
Pilipino: Kapalan ‘nyo mukha ‘nyo. Feel at home kayo diyan!
-o-
Manager: Why haven’t you written your mobile number in your application form?
Girl: Because I already have a boyfriend.
-o-
Spotted on Twitter: I tried committing suicide today. Never going to do it again. I almost killed myself.
-o-
Snaccident (n):
Eating an entire box of chocolates by mistake.
-o-
Women with straight hair want curls. Women with curls want straight hair.
Men are simpler: They just want the hair on  their head to stay.
-o-
Maybe if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.

Sagutan
Mga aktwal na sagot sa programang Wowowee...
1. Q: "Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?" A: "Utong!"
2. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?" A: "Umiilaw!"
3. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao? A: "Humanitarian?"
4. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga." A: "Ninja?"
5. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?" A: "Sunog!"
6. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie." A: "Willie da pooh!"
7. Q: "Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?" A: "Hindunesia?"
8. Q: "Anong hayop si King Kong?" A: "Pagong!"
9. Q: "Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain." A: "Tae!"
10. Q: "Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?" A: "Canadia!"
11. Q: "Kumpletuhin - Little Red." A: "Ribbon!"
12 Q: "Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?" A: "Buhok?"
13. Q: "Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin." A: "Tinga!"
14. Q: "Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?" A: "Pag balita?"
15. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?" A: "Baby oil?"
16. Q: "Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?" A: "Sweetserland?"
17. Q: "Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?" A: "Godzilla?"
18. Q: "Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?" A: "Itlog ng tao!"
19. Q: "Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?" A: "Sadista?"
20. Q: "Blank is the best policy." A: "Ice tea?"
22. Q: "Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?" A: "Sa likod!"
23. Q: "Fill in the blanks - Beauty is in the eye of the ____." A: "Tiger?"
24. Q: "Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?" A: "Saging!"
25. Q: "Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?" A: "Baliw!"
26. Q: "Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?" A: "Kamag-anak!"
27. Q: "Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?" A: "Sa motel?"
28. Q: "Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?" A: "Cold water!"
29. Q: "Sinong cartoon character ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?" A: "Si scooby dooby doo?"
30. Q: "Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka." A: "Operadang bakla?"
31. Q: "Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?" A: "Madami!"
32. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?" A: "Abnormal!"

Short and sweet

Posted on 01 June 2016 No comments
Boy: Baril ka ba?
Girl: Alam ko na ‘yan. Kasi mukhang tunamaan ka sa akin?
Boy: Hindi. Ang lakas kasi ng putok mo.
-o-
Guy 1: I jUst left my job. I couldn’t work after what my boss saId to me.
Guy 2: What did he say to you?
Guy 1: You are fired!
-o-
Mom: You have two options for dinner.
Dad: What are they?
Mom: Eat it or go hungry.
-o-
Whoever thinks money does not bring happiness, please transfer  it to my account.
-o-
Teacher: Class, our topic today is genetics. Question: What do you call the child of a girl from Iceland and a boy from Cuba.
Class: What?
Teacher: Ice cube!
-o-
Boy friend.
You see that little space between the two words? That’s called “friend zone”.
-o-
When you clean a vaccum cleaner, you become a “vaccum cleaner”.
-o-
Behind every angry woman stands a man, who have absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
-o-
I want a girl who likes long romantic walks. Because I don’t have a car.
-o-
Manager: So why do you want this job?
Applicant: Because I always have been passionate about not starving to death.
-o-
Professor: What inspired you to write  this eassy?
Student: The deadline.
-o-
New rule being proposed:
Peo-le should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies  they take.
-o-
Says a graduating high school student: I’m gonna stay a virgin for life so I can set a good example for my children.
-o-
Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening, in the first place.
-o-
During disaster, women and children are evacuated first.
The reason: So the men can think of a solution in silence.
-o-
One day in Mars lasts 1,408 hours.
It’s the same as Monday on Earth.
-o-
When an application form asks who to contact in an emergency, I always put ambulance of police. I mean, what can my mother do in an emergency?

Election jokes

Posted on 14 May 2016 No comments
Despite the heated exchanges of lies and accusations, the recent elections have provided new opportunities for the emergence of new Filipino jokes.
Ano kaya ang lasa?
A sample:
From Alma Moreno: “Whoever wins tomorrow will be declared the winner.”
From Daisy M:
Manny Pacquiao has a promise: “I will author a bill against death penalty. I will call it ‘saved by the Bill’.”From Sandro Marcos: “Also, the total votes for president are not the same total for Vice President. What the hell #Dayaang Matuwid
From Divino Dacayap:  “Gagawa si Pacquiao ng bill: Save by the bill.”
From AJ Wang:
Ngayon ko lang na-realize ang talino pala ng “Robredo”.
Bakit?
Kasi ano ang raw bread?
Dough.
From Dim Poquiz:
Top 4 na babagsak ngayon:
4. Ekonomiya.
3. Crime Rate.
2. Benta ng mga inuman.
4. Ako, kasi wala pa ako naaral after 3 days.
From Jai Cabajar-dashian:
“Uy, bumagsak na yung crime rate sa Pilipinas.”
“Gaga, population ‘yan.”
From Danah Pascual:
#NoToBBM #YesToViber
From farahlord:
“Du30’s speech if DU31:
Hellew Pilipinas! Si Du32.
From Lani_KathNielz:
Ba’t ganon: 12 milion na ang boto kay Duterte, eh 7 million lang lahat sa mundo?

Mapagbigay
Habang nagmamaneho ang bus driver ay may sumakay na lola at umupo sa likod niya.
Maya-maya ay binigyan ng lola ang driver ng mani, na agad naman niyang isinubo.  “Lola bakit namimigay' kayo ng mani?” tanong ng driver.
“Hindi ko kasi manguya. Naubos na kasi ang mga ngipin ko,” sagot ng lola.
“Eh, bakit pa kayo bumibili, kung ipinamimigay lang ninyo?”
“Eh, kasi,” ika ni lola. “Masarap ang chocolate na nakabalot sa mani na iyan.”

Wisdom

Posted on 29 April 2016 No comments
One Oriental philosopher says:
• When without money, keep pigs; when have money, keep dogs.
• When without money, wish to get married; when have money, wish to get divorce.
• When without money, eat at home with wife; when have money, dine with women in fine restaurant.
• When without money, wife becomes secretary; when have money, secretary becomes wife.
• When without money, act like a rich man; when with money, act like poor man.

Making a baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma'am>>,” he said, “I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that's a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith..
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I”d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don't I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.  
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.  
“Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.”
Mrs. Smith fainted

Nadamay

Posted on 15 April 2016 No comments
Napansin ng employer ni Celia na umiiyak siya.
“Why you crying?” ika ni Mrs. Li.
“My mother died this morning,” sagot ni Celia.
“I’m so sorry for you, lah. I buy you air ticket now so you can go home tonight,” agad na sabi ng employer.
Habang nagbu-book ng air ticket si Mrs. Li sa  computer, biglang ngumawa ulit si Celia.
“Aiyaaa. Wah happen?” tanong ng employer.
Celia: “My sister called. She said her mother also died!”

Dobleng tama
Pumasok sa opisina ang isang lalaki na may dalawang blackeye. Napansin siya ng boss niya, kaya nag-usisa ito.
“Nasa simbahan ako noon,” ang paliwanag niya.” Nang magtayuan ang mga tao, napansin ko ang babae sa harapan ko—nakaipit sa puwet niya ang palda niya, kaya hinila ko. Aba, sinapok ba naman ako.”
“Ano naman ang dahilan ng pangalawa mong blackeye?” tanong ng boss.
“E akala ko mas gusto niyang nakaipit sa puwet niya ‘yung palda. E,’di, isinusok ko ulit.”

Ay, mali
Nursing intern ako sa isang ospital sa Maynila noon.
Isang matandang lalaki ang nakita kong handa nang umuwi, dahil nakaupo na siya sa kama at ang kanyang mga gamit ay naipasok na sa maleta sa paanan niya. Isa sa gawain naming mga estudyante ay tulungan ang mga pasyente na mag-check out, kaya nilapitan ko siya.
“Handa na po ba kayong mag-check out?” tanong ko.
“Oo,” sagot niya.
“Sakay na po kayo sa wheelchair,” ika ko.
“Hindi na, kaya ko namang maglakad na,” sagot niya.
“Hindi po pwede yan. Regulasyon po sa ospital na ito na naka-wheelchair ang lahat na mag-check out,” sabat ko naman.
Nang nasa Cashier na kami sa ibaba, napansin kong wala siyang sundo. “Mag-isa lang po ba kayong uuwi niyan?” tanong ko.
Ang sagot niya: “Kasama ko yung asawa ko. Nagsi-CR lang siya noong sinundo mo ako sa kwarto. Siya ang pasyente.”

Tama nga naman

Posted on No comments
Pinoy Henyo ng mga ngongo:
Ngongo 1: Nao ba to?
Ngongo 2:Hine!
Ngongo 1: Lungar?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Ngongo 1: Mangay?
Ngongo 2:  Mwene! Mwene!!
Ngongo 1: Ngulay?
Ngongo 2: Hoiho! Hoiho!
Ngongo 1: Ngulay? Hmmm ... mechay?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Ngongo 1: Sinaw?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Ngongo 1: Nasa Mahay Kubo ma to?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Emcee: TIME’S UP! The answer is DILAW!
Ngongo 1: Munangina mu, sami mo ngulay??
Ngongo 2: Hoho nga ngulay. Ngulay nilaw! Ang momo mo muset!

Nakaraan
Naalala mo ba noon:
1. P0.10 lang ang pamasahe, kandong libre pa.
2. Ang babae lang ang may hikaw.
3. Ang preso lang ang may tattoo.
4. Si Erap, Jinggoy, Bong Revilla at Lito Lapid ay sa showbiz section lang ng dyaryo nababasa. Ngayon headlines na.
5. Ang intindi mo ng LOL ay ULOL imbes na Laughing Out Loud.
6. Ang ARCEGAS lang at GOODEARTH Emporium ang shoppingan sa bansa.
7. Diyes lang ang isang basong taho at kailangan mong magdala ng sarili mong baso, kasi wala pang plastic cups noon si Manong na magtataho
8. Chocnut, Tarzan Gum at kending Vicks ang pinag-gagastusan mo ng sinko mo.
9. Sarsi with egg ang pampataba at star margarine, at matamis na bao sa umaga.
10. Nagkaka-kalyo ka dahil manual typewriter pa ang ginagamit mo para sa school paper mo
11. Kaya uso pa noon ang carbon paper.
12. Tancho. 3-Flowers o Superman Pomade ang pang-ayos ng buhok mo.
13. KLIM ang tinitimpla ng nanay mo para sa iyo para inumin mo bago matulog.
14. Nakakapag-grocery ka na kahit 20 piso lang ang dala .
15. Anim na numero lang ang kailangan mong tandaan para tawagan ang kaibigan mo.
16. May Party Line pa noon “hello party line, paki baba. Emergency lang”
17. Sampung taon ang hihintayin mo bago makabitan ng telepono. Ngayon ilang oras lang.
18. Computer cards ang iyung tinutupi para maging barilbarilan.
19. Singkwenta sentimos lang ang songhits .
20. Pango pa ang ilong ni Vilma Santos.
21. Kay Ka Paeng Yabut ka lang naniniwala pag-ukol sa panahon ang balita.
22. Sinkwenta sentimos lang ang pa-gupit.
23. Pinagtatawanan ang kalbo. “Pendong Kalas Kalbo”
24. Hindi uso ang gusot ang buhok at damit. Ngayon kung may gusot mayaman na.
25. Nakakahiya kung nakalitaw ang halfslip ng babae, ngayon nakadisplay pa ang panty at pusod.
26. Cabaret ang tawag sa mga girly bars. Ngayon ay Music Lounge na.
27. Hostess pa ang tawag noon, ngayon Guest Relations Officer na.
28. Sa Escolta ka namimili ng pamasko mo. Ngayon kahit sa bangketa ay talo-talo na.
29. Payat na payat ka pa noon.
30. Highway 54 pa noon at wala pang EDSA.
31. Malago pa ang buhok mo noon.
32. Jingle lang at Songhits nakakanta na. Ngayon naka Karaoke na.
33. $1.00 = 4 pesos ang dollar exchange rate
34. Dati naninigas ang mga damit natin dahil sa almirol, ngayon palambutan na sa dami ng softener.
35. Ang bentahan ng bigas ay per salop at ganta, ngayon per kilo na
Sometimes you will never know the true value of A MOMENT until it become A MEMORY.

Watchdog
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
— Bob N.

Ay, mali
Madre: Father, ang lamig no?
Father: Oo nga eh. Gusto mo gawin natin yung ginagawa ng mag-asawa kapag nilalamig sila?
Madre: Sige, sige (kinikilig)
Father: Sige, pagtimpla mo ko ng kape!?!

Less

Posted on 14 April 2016 No comments
Onli in da Pilipins:
• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

Mahigpit
Guard: Sir, ID po ninyo?
Dodong: Eto, oh!
Guard: I-pin po ninyo.
Dodong: Sobra naman kayong mahigpit dito. Pati ipin, ini-inspeksyon.


Man machine
An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, “What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said; “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Nude hanging
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.
When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, “My God, you have the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.”
Came the whispered reply, “It’s all yours if you keep your trap shut.”

Unfamiliar
Saturday morning the weather was too bad for golf. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
“Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
So I said, “Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Beats the hell out of me. Nobody’s ever let me in before.”

Provoked
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, “come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”  He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a**hole.”  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Shirley (my wife) called him a “s*it head.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.  He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Trump stickers.  We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.  Its so important at our age!

Wise sayings
Confucius says:
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
-o-
 Confucius says:
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
-o-
Confucius says:
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
-o-
Confucius says:
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out.... you lose interest.
-o-
Confucius says:
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
-o-
Confucius says:
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
-o-
Confucius says:
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don’t get it.

Man’s prayer

Posted on No comments
A married man's prayer:
Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away.
You  gave me youth, you took it away.
You  gave me a wife.  It’s been years now,  just reminding you.

Marital tales
Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later !!!!!
-o-
A frustrated husband in tells his laptop: “Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife. Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting!
-o-
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband answers: “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
-o-
Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home?
Boss: I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer!!!
-o-
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
No! That was the deal. :)
-o-
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, “the food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: Honey, you say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home, sweetheart. Here, the chef knows how to cook.
-o-
Best Slogan on a man’s T-Shirt: “Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed!”

Brainless
Husband: I found Aladdin’s lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did you ask for darling?
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife: Oh, darling...love you so much. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed. He said multiplication doesn’t apply on zero.

Money
Money has many different names;                     
In temple or church, it’s called donation.
In school, it’s fee.
In marriage, it’s called dowry.
In divorce, it’s called alimony.
When you owe someone, it’s debt.
When you pay the government, it’s tax.
In court, it’s fines.
Civil servant retirees, it’s pension.
Employer to workers, it’s salary.
Master to subordinates, it’s wages.
To children, it’s allowance.
When you borrow it from a bank, it’s loan.
When you offer it after a good service. it’s tips.
To kidnappers, it’s ransom.
Illegally received in the name of service, it’s bribe.
The question is, When a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it?
The ANSWER: Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his duty because wives are not DUTY FREE.



First kiss

Posted on 31 March 2016 No comments

Boy:  ’Tay, pinapagalitan ako ng titser ko.
Tatay:  Bakit daw anak?
Boy:  Kasi po, hinalikan ko ’yung seatmate ko!
Tatay (napangiti):  Itong anak ko talagang ito, manang-mana sa akin. ’Wag mo dibdibin ang teacher mo ako na ang bahalang magpaliwanag. ’Di niya siguro naiintindihan nagbibinata ka. Eh, ano pakiramdam anak, masarap ba naman?
Boy:    Ah, eh..
Tatay:  ’Wag ka na mahiya sa ’kin. Tatay mo ’ko. Ano, masarap ba ’yung pakiramdam?
Boy:  Opo ’tay. Super sarap! Ang pogi kasi ng seatmate ko, grabeh! Hayyyy….— Joseph Bautista

Duguan
Tatay: Naku anak! .. dumudugo ang daliri mo! (sabay sipsip sa daliri ni Boy) Napano ka ba? Bakit ka nagkasugat?
Boy: Tiniris ko lang po yung garapata ng aso natin ... —Winer Aguilar

Genie
Isang mag-asawa ang naglalaro ng golf. Nang mag-“drive” ang lalaki, nagkamali siya ang tama at lumipad ang bola niya papunta sa kalapit na bahay. Narinig nila ang tunog ng nabasag na pintong salamin.
“Dapat ay himingi ka ng paumanhin sa may-ari ng bahay,” ika ng babae sa asawa.
Nagpunta ang dalawa sa bahay at kumatok. Nang walang magbukas, pumasok ang mag-asawa sa nabasag na pinto at nakita ang bola at ang isang flower vase na nabasag din.
Nagulat sila nang isang lalaki ang nagpakita. Hihingi na sana ng paumanhin si Mister nang sumagot ang lalaki: “Ako ang dapat magpasalamat sa inyo. Ako’y isang genie at pinalaya ninyo ako matapos ng isang libong taong pagkakakulong sa flower vase na iyan. May tatlong wish na puwede kong pagbigyan. Bibigyan ko si Mister ng isa, at isa rin kay Misis. Ang pangatlo ay sa akin. Ikaw, Mister, ano ang wish mo?”
Mister: Gusto ko ng sampung milyong piso.
Genie: Nasunod na po. Nasa bangko na ninyo ang sampung milyong piso.
Misis: Ako naman, gusto ko ng bahay sa Forbes Park.
Genie: Masusunod din po ang inyong kahilingan. Ngayon, para sa aking wish, gusto ko naman na makasiping si misis.
Dahil sa malaking halagang ibinigay niya sa kanila, pumayag si Mister.
Pagkatapos ng pagsisiping, sinabi ng Misis kay Genie: “Ewan ko ba kung bakit pumayag ang mister ko na makipagtalik sa iyo.”
Sagot hi Genie: “Ewan ko rin kung bakit may mga tao pa ring naniniwala sa genie.”

Pinoy Jokes: Oo nga naman

Posted on 28 March 2016 No comments
Mga tanong na walang kasagutan:
1. Does Jennifer Love Hewitt?
2. Where did Van Gogh?
3. Did Rachelle Ann Go with him?
4. Why are Norman Black, Redford White and Chris Brown?
5. Where did Sandara Park?
6. Is Chow Yun Fat?
7. What did Henry Sy?
8. Did Jordan Sparks?
9. When will Orlando Bloom?
10. What is Victoria’s Secret?
11. What does David Cook?
12. If you know the answers, Wilma Doesnt.

Exam trick
Nag-exam si Annie kahit hindi nag-review.
Tiningnan  niya ang kanyang test paper at napangiti dahil True or False lang pala ang sagot. Naglabas siya ng coin at pinitik paitaas.
Pagsalo niya, tiningnan ang coin. Kapag harap ng coin ang lumabas, ang sagot ay True; kapag likod ang lumabas, ang sagot ay False.
Napansin ng teacher ang pagkoko-coin toss si Ate, kaya sinita siya: “Annie, ano ang ginagawa mo?”
“Ma’m, pantulong lang ito sa pagsagot sa test.”
Natapos agad ni Annie ang test sa loob ng kinse minuto. Pero patuloy siya sa pagko-coin toss.
Sinita ulit siya ng teacher.
Ang sagot ni Annie: “M’am, dahil may oras pa, sinisiguro ko lang ang mga sagot ko.”

Malungkot
Napansin ni Pedro na malungkot si Andres.
Pedro: Pare, malungkot ka yata.
Andres: Namatay kasi yung nanay ko. Nag-iwan ng P40,000.
Pedro: Nakakalungkot nga.
Andres: Noong sumunod na buwan, namatay naman ang tatay ko ay nag-iwan sa akin ng P80.000.
Pedro: Aba, masama talagang trahedya ang mawalan ng ina at ama sa loob lang ng dalawang buwan.
Andres: Noong ikatlong buwan, namatay naman ang tiyahin kong matandang dalaga ay nag-iwan sa akin ng P600,000.
Pedro: Tatlong kapamilang namatay sa talong buwan. Nakakalungkot nga.
Andres: Oo, pare, lalong malungkot ngayong buwan, dahil walang nag-iwan ng mana sa akin.

Nangangagat
Nakita ni Boyong si Enteng na nakaupo sa isang bench sa Luneta.Sa ilalim nito ay nakaupo rin ang isang aso.
Boyong: Enteng, nanga-ngagat ba ang aso mo?
Enteng: Hindi.
Lumapit si Boyong sa aso at  tinapik ang ulo into. Bigla siyang kinagat nito.
Boyong: Enteng, bakit sinabi mo hindi nangangagat ang aso mo?
Enteng: Hindi ko aso ‘yan!



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