Election jokes

Despite the heated exchanges of lies and accusations, the recent elections have provided new opportunities for the emergence of new Filipino jokes.

Ano kaya ang lasa?

A sample:
From Alma Moreno: “Whoever wins tomorrow will be declared the winner.”
From Daisy M:
Manny Pacquiao has a promise: “I will author a bill against death penalty. I will call it ‘saved by the Bill’.”From Sandro Marcos: “Also, the total votes for president are not the same total for Vice President. What the hell #Dayaang Matuwid
From Divino Dacayap:  “Gagawa si Pacquiao ng bill: Save by the bill.”
From AJ Wang:
Ngayon ko lang na-realize ang talino pala ng “Robredo”.
Bakit?
Kasi ano ang raw bread?
Dough.
From Dim Poquiz:
Top 4 na babagsak ngayon:
4. Ekonomiya.
3. Crime Rate.
2. Benta ng mga inuman.
4. Ako, kasi wala pa ako naaral after 3 days.
From Jai Cabajar-dashian:
“Uy, bumagsak na yung crime rate sa Pilipinas.”
“Gaga, population ‘yan.”
From Danah Pascual:
#NoToBBM #YesToViber
From farahlord:
“Du30’s speech if DU31:
Hellew Pilipinas! Si Du32.
From Lani_KathNielz:
Ba’t ganon: 12 milion na ang boto kay Duterte, eh 7 million lang lahat sa mundo?

Mapagbigay
Habang nagmamaneho ang bus driver ay may sumakay na lola at umupo sa likod niya.
Maya-maya ay binigyan ng lola ang driver ng mani, na agad naman niyang isinubo.  “Lola bakit namimigay' kayo ng mani?” tanong ng driver.
“Hindi ko kasi manguya. Naubos na kasi ang mga ngipin ko,” sagot ng lola.
“Eh, bakit pa kayo bumibili, kung ipinamimigay lang ninyo?”
“Eh, kasi,” ika ni lola. “Masarap ang chocolate na nakabalot sa mani na iyan.”

Wisdom

One Oriental philosopher says:

• When without money, keep pigs; when have money, keep dogs.
• When without money, wish to get married; when have money, wish to get divorce.
• When without money, eat at home with wife; when have money, dine with women in fine restaurant.
• When without money, wife becomes secretary; when have money, secretary becomes wife.
• When without money, act like a rich man; when with money, act like poor man.

Making a baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma'am>>,” he said, “I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that's a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith..
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I”d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don't I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.  
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.  
“Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.”
Mrs. Smith fainted

Nadamay

Napansin ng employer ni Celia na umiiyak siya.
“Why you crying?” ika ni Mrs. Li.
“My mother died this morning,” sagot ni Celia.
“I’m so sorry for you, lah. I buy you air ticket now so you can go home tonight,” agad na sabi ng employer.
Habang nagbu-book ng air ticket si Mrs. Li sa  computer, biglang ngumawa ulit si Celia.
“Aiyaaa. Wah happen?” tanong ng employer.
Celia: “My sister called. She said her mother also died!”

Dobleng tama
Pumasok sa opisina ang isang lalaki na may dalawang blackeye. Napansin siya ng boss niya, kaya nag-usisa ito.
“Nasa simbahan ako noon,” ang paliwanag niya.” Nang magtayuan ang mga tao, napansin ko ang babae sa harapan ko—nakaipit sa puwet niya ang palda niya, kaya hinila ko. Aba, sinapok ba naman ako.”
“Ano naman ang dahilan ng pangalawa mong blackeye?” tanong ng boss.
“E akala ko mas gusto niyang nakaipit sa puwet niya ‘yung palda. E,’di, isinusok ko ulit.”

Ay, mali
Nursing intern ako sa isang ospital sa Maynila noon.
Isang matandang lalaki ang nakita kong handa nang umuwi, dahil nakaupo na siya sa kama at ang kanyang mga gamit ay naipasok na sa maleta sa paanan niya. Isa sa gawain naming mga estudyante ay tulungan ang mga pasyente na mag-check out, kaya nilapitan ko siya.
“Handa na po ba kayong mag-check out?” tanong ko.
“Oo,” sagot niya.
“Sakay na po kayo sa wheelchair,” ika ko.
“Hindi na, kaya ko namang maglakad na,” sagot niya.
“Hindi po pwede yan. Regulasyon po sa ospital na ito na naka-wheelchair ang lahat na mag-check out,” sabat ko naman.
Nang nasa Cashier na kami sa ibaba, napansin kong wala siyang sundo. “Mag-isa lang po ba kayong uuwi niyan?” tanong ko.
Ang sagot niya: “Kasama ko yung asawa ko. Nagsi-CR lang siya noong sinundo mo ako sa kwarto. Siya ang pasyente.”

Tama nga naman

Pinoy Henyo ng mga ngongo:
Ngongo 1: Nao ba to?
Ngongo 2:Hine!
Ngongo 1: Lungar?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Ngongo 1: Mangay?
Ngongo 2:  Mwene! Mwene!!
Ngongo 1: Ngulay?
Ngongo 2: Hoiho! Hoiho!
Ngongo 1: Ngulay? Hmmm ... mechay?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Ngongo 1: Sinaw?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Ngongo 1: Nasa Mahay Kubo ma to?
Ngongo 2: Hine!
Emcee: TIME’S UP! The answer is DILAW!
Ngongo 1: Munangina mu, sami mo ngulay??
Ngongo 2: Hoho nga ngulay. Ngulay nilaw! Ang momo mo muset!

Nakaraan
Naalala mo ba noon:
1. P0.10 lang ang pamasahe, kandong libre pa.
2. Ang babae lang ang may hikaw.
3. Ang preso lang ang may tattoo.
4. Si Erap, Jinggoy, Bong Revilla at Lito Lapid ay sa showbiz section lang ng dyaryo nababasa. Ngayon headlines na.
5. Ang intindi mo ng LOL ay ULOL imbes na Laughing Out Loud.
6. Ang ARCEGAS lang at GOODEARTH Emporium ang shoppingan sa bansa.
7. Diyes lang ang isang basong taho at kailangan mong magdala ng sarili mong baso, kasi wala pang plastic cups noon si Manong na magtataho
8. Chocnut, Tarzan Gum at kending Vicks ang pinag-gagastusan mo ng sinko mo.
9. Sarsi with egg ang pampataba at star margarine, at matamis na bao sa umaga.
10. Nagkaka-kalyo ka dahil manual typewriter pa ang ginagamit mo para sa school paper mo
11. Kaya uso pa noon ang carbon paper.
12. Tancho. 3-Flowers o Superman Pomade ang pang-ayos ng buhok mo.
13. KLIM ang tinitimpla ng nanay mo para sa iyo para inumin mo bago matulog.
14. Nakakapag-grocery ka na kahit 20 piso lang ang dala .
15. Anim na numero lang ang kailangan mong tandaan para tawagan ang kaibigan mo.
16. May Party Line pa noon “hello party line, paki baba. Emergency lang”
17. Sampung taon ang hihintayin mo bago makabitan ng telepono. Ngayon ilang oras lang.
18. Computer cards ang iyung tinutupi para maging barilbarilan.
19. Singkwenta sentimos lang ang songhits .
20. Pango pa ang ilong ni Vilma Santos.
21. Kay Ka Paeng Yabut ka lang naniniwala pag-ukol sa panahon ang balita.
22. Sinkwenta sentimos lang ang pa-gupit.
23. Pinagtatawanan ang kalbo. “Pendong Kalas Kalbo”
24. Hindi uso ang gusot ang buhok at damit. Ngayon kung may gusot mayaman na.
25. Nakakahiya kung nakalitaw ang halfslip ng babae, ngayon nakadisplay pa ang panty at pusod.
26. Cabaret ang tawag sa mga girly bars. Ngayon ay Music Lounge na.
27. Hostess pa ang tawag noon, ngayon Guest Relations Officer na.
28. Sa Escolta ka namimili ng pamasko mo. Ngayon kahit sa bangketa ay talo-talo na.
29. Payat na payat ka pa noon.
30. Highway 54 pa noon at wala pang EDSA.
31. Malago pa ang buhok mo noon.
32. Jingle lang at Songhits nakakanta na. Ngayon naka Karaoke na.
33. $1.00 = 4 pesos ang dollar exchange rate
34. Dati naninigas ang mga damit natin dahil sa almirol, ngayon palambutan na sa dami ng softener.
35. Ang bentahan ng bigas ay per salop at ganta, ngayon per kilo na
Sometimes you will never know the true value of A MOMENT until it become A MEMORY.

Watchdog
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
— Bob N.

Ay, mali
Madre: Father, ang lamig no?
Father: Oo nga eh. Gusto mo gawin natin yung ginagawa ng mag-asawa kapag nilalamig sila?
Madre: Sige, sige (kinikilig)
Father: Sige, pagtimpla mo ko ng kape!?!

Less

Onli in da Pilipins:
• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

Mahigpit
Guard: Sir, ID po ninyo?
Dodong: Eto, oh!
Guard: I-pin po ninyo.
Dodong: Sobra naman kayong mahigpit dito. Pati ipin, ini-inspeksyon.


Man machine
An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, “What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said; “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Nude hanging
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.
When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, “My God, you have the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.”
Came the whispered reply, “It’s all yours if you keep your trap shut.”

Unfamiliar
Saturday morning the weather was too bad for golf. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
“Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
So I said, “Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Beats the hell out of me. Nobody’s ever let me in before.”

Provoked
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, “come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”  He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a**hole.”  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Shirley (my wife) called him a “s*it head.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.  He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Trump stickers.  We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.  Its so important at our age!

Wise sayings
Confucius says:
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
-o-
 Confucius says:
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
-o-
Confucius says:
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
-o-
Confucius says:
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out.... you lose interest.
-o-
Confucius says:
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
-o-
Confucius says:
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
-o-
Confucius says:
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don’t get it.

Man’s prayer

A married man's prayer:

Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away.

You  gave me youth, you took it away.

You  gave me a wife.  It’s been years now,  just reminding you.

Marital tales

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?

Husband : First make it, we will name it later !!!!!

-o-

A frustrated husband in tells his laptop: “Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife. Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting!

-o-

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home for?”

Husband answers: “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

-o-

Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home?

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer!!!

-o-

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the necklace FAKE?

No! That was the deal. :)

-o-

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, “the food looks delicious, let’s eat.”

Wife: Honey, you say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That’s at home, sweetheart. Here, the chef knows how to cook.

-o-

Best Slogan on a man’s T-Shirt: “Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed!”

Brainless

Husband: I found Aladdin’s lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did you ask for darling?

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.

Wife: Oh, darling...love you so much. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed. He said multiplication doesn’t apply on zero.

Money

Money has many different names;                     

In temple or church, it’s called donation.

In school, it’s fee.

In marriage, it’s called dowry.

In divorce, it’s called alimony.

When you owe someone, it’s debt.

When you pay the government, it’s tax.

In court, it’s fines.

Civil servant retirees, it’s pension.

Employer to workers, it’s salary.

Master to subordinates, it’s wages.

To children, it’s allowance.

When you borrow it from a bank, it’s loan.

When you offer it after a good service. it’s tips.

To kidnappers, it’s ransom.

Illegally received in the name of service, it’s bribe.

The question is, When a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it?

The ANSWER: Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his duty because wives are not DUTY FREE.

First kiss

Boy:  ’Tay, pinapagalitan ako ng titser ko.
Tatay:  Bakit daw anak?
Boy:  Kasi po, hinalikan ko ’yung seatmate ko!
Tatay (napangiti):  Itong anak ko talagang ito, manang-mana sa akin. ’Wag mo dibdibin ang teacher mo ako na ang bahalang magpaliwanag. ’Di niya siguro naiintindihan nagbibinata ka. Eh, ano pakiramdam anak, masarap ba naman?
Boy:    Ah, eh..
Tatay:  ’Wag ka na mahiya sa ’kin. Tatay mo ’ko. Ano, masarap ba ’yung pakiramdam?
Boy:  Opo ’tay. Super sarap! Ang pogi kasi ng seatmate ko, grabeh! Hayyyy….— Joseph Bautista

Duguan
Tatay: Naku anak! .. dumudugo ang daliri mo! (sabay sipsip sa daliri ni Boy) Napano ka ba? Bakit ka nagkasugat?
Boy: Tiniris ko lang po yung garapata ng aso natin ... —Winer Aguilar

Genie
Isang mag-asawa ang naglalaro ng golf. Nang mag-“drive” ang lalaki, nagkamali siya ang tama at lumipad ang bola niya papunta sa kalapit na bahay. Narinig nila ang tunog ng nabasag na pintong salamin.
“Dapat ay himingi ka ng paumanhin sa may-ari ng bahay,” ika ng babae sa asawa.
Nagpunta ang dalawa sa bahay at kumatok. Nang walang magbukas, pumasok ang mag-asawa sa nabasag na pinto at nakita ang bola at ang isang flower vase na nabasag din.
Nagulat sila nang isang lalaki ang nagpakita. Hihingi na sana ng paumanhin si Mister nang sumagot ang lalaki: “Ako ang dapat magpasalamat sa inyo. Ako’y isang genie at pinalaya ninyo ako matapos ng isang libong taong pagkakakulong sa flower vase na iyan. May tatlong wish na puwede kong pagbigyan. Bibigyan ko si Mister ng isa, at isa rin kay Misis. Ang pangatlo ay sa akin. Ikaw, Mister, ano ang wish mo?”
Mister: Gusto ko ng sampung milyong piso.
Genie: Nasunod na po. Nasa bangko na ninyo ang sampung milyong piso.
Misis: Ako naman, gusto ko ng bahay sa Forbes Park.
Genie: Masusunod din po ang inyong kahilingan. Ngayon, para sa aking wish, gusto ko naman na makasiping si misis.
Dahil sa malaking halagang ibinigay niya sa kanila, pumayag si Mister.
Pagkatapos ng pagsisiping, sinabi ng Misis kay Genie: “Ewan ko ba kung bakit pumayag ang mister ko na makipagtalik sa iyo.”
Sagot hi Genie: “Ewan ko rin kung bakit may mga tao pa ring naniniwala sa genie.”

Pinoy Jokes: Oo nga naman

Mga tanong na walang kasagutan:
1. Does Jennifer Love Hewitt?
2. Where did Van Gogh?
3. Did Rachelle Ann Go with him?
4. Why are Norman Black, Redford White and Chris Brown?
5. Where did Sandara Park?
6. Is Chow Yun Fat?
7. What did Henry Sy?
8. Did Jordan Sparks?
9. When will Orlando Bloom?
10. What is Victoria’s Secret?
11. What does David Cook?
12. If you know the answers, Wilma Doesnt.

Exam trick
Nag-exam si Annie kahit hindi nag-review.
Tiningnan  niya ang kanyang test paper at napangiti dahil True or False lang pala ang sagot. Naglabas siya ng coin at pinitik paitaas.
Pagsalo niya, tiningnan ang coin. Kapag harap ng coin ang lumabas, ang sagot ay True; kapag likod ang lumabas, ang sagot ay False.
Napansin ng teacher ang pagkoko-coin toss si Ate, kaya sinita siya: “Annie, ano ang ginagawa mo?”
“Ma’m, pantulong lang ito sa pagsagot sa test.”
Natapos agad ni Annie ang test sa loob ng kinse minuto. Pero patuloy siya sa pagko-coin toss.
Sinita ulit siya ng teacher.
Ang sagot ni Annie: “M’am, dahil may oras pa, sinisiguro ko lang ang mga sagot ko.”

Malungkot
Napansin ni Pedro na malungkot si Andres.
Pedro: Pare, malungkot ka yata.
Andres: Namatay kasi yung nanay ko. Nag-iwan ng P40,000.
Pedro: Nakakalungkot nga.
Andres: Noong sumunod na buwan, namatay naman ang tatay ko ay nag-iwan sa akin ng P80.000.
Pedro: Aba, masama talagang trahedya ang mawalan ng ina at ama sa loob lang ng dalawang buwan.
Andres: Noong ikatlong buwan, namatay naman ang tiyahin kong matandang dalaga ay nag-iwan sa akin ng P600,000.
Pedro: Tatlong kapamilang namatay sa talong buwan. Nakakalungkot nga.
Andres: Oo, pare, lalong malungkot ngayong buwan, dahil walang nag-iwan ng mana sa akin.

Nangangagat
Nakita ni Boyong si Enteng na nakaupo sa isang bench sa Luneta.Sa ilalim nito ay nakaupo rin ang isang aso.
Boyong: Enteng, nanga-ngagat ba ang aso mo?
Enteng: Hindi.
Lumapit si Boyong sa aso at  tinapik ang ulo into. Bigla siyang kinagat nito.
Boyong: Enteng, bakit sinabi mo hindi nangangagat ang aso mo?
Enteng: Hindi ko aso ‘yan!

Pinoy Jokes

No license needed for seniors

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge right into his front yard.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver’s license anymore.”

“You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?”

“That’s right... The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him ‘yes’, and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore.’ So I thanked him and left!”

Is My Time Up?

A 71 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 25 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 25 years to live. Why didn’t you pull me away from the path of the ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn't recognize you!”

On patch

Two guys get pulled over by traffic police while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend: “Peel the labels off these beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Now hide all the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking.”

The policeman walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. “Have you been drinking?” he asks.

“We haven't have a drink tonight.”

“Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?”

“We’re both alcoholics,” says the drunk. “We’re on the patch.”

Obviously, the patch for alcoholics, similar to the ones  for smokers, has not yet been invented. The driver went straight to jail.